//// 30.08.2024 //// dd.mm.yyyy
- family is complicated or i don't understand why no one is like me, when we've lived together my entire life
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so this entiry is very much fueled by feelings and i will probably edit this at a later time.
lately i've been feeling incredibly alienated within my family. this wasn't always the case. it used to be that i only felt that way whenever my extended family came to visit. but for a while now, spending time with my parents and siblings has brought forth these feelings more and more often.
these feelings can best be described as a sense of disconnectedness and a little bit of isolation.
i often feel insecure about my opinions and morals around them, i feel sad that they don't seem to share my way of looking at things and frustrated and confused as to why that is. i think the last two emotions especially are very important, because i keep wondering how can they have raised me, when i think so differently from them now? and that disconnect makes me feel sad and lonely. i wish we connected more, i wish we had similar thoughts and things to talk about in a joyful manner. and every time i spent time with them i am so hopeful that this time it will be good again, this time it will be fun and i'll come home and feel warm.
instead, what i often leave with is a feeling of despair and resentment. i wonder if it'll ever be really good again, and then i feel bitter that they don't seem to feel the disconnect and aren't making an effort.
a lot of this boils down to the fact that i'm politically interested, liberal and queer. and my parents are not really interested in politics beyond watching the news, and they are also mildly homophobic. my mom not as much, but my dad is a casual homophobe (in the way where he thinks men acting/dressing feminine is strange, in the way where he thinks queer people will also rarely form last relationships, and they must all be a little weird to be queer).
i'm also much more educated than them. by that i don't mean to say i'm smarter. i just attended higher levels of education than they did.
i'm the fist person in my family (core and extended) to go to university, and i already finished my bachelor's degree. but honestly, that might be something for another post.
i'm just so sad right now, i just needed to write some of this down. :( //// 19.08.0000 //// dd.mm.yyyy
- starting computergirl
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hello everyone, this marks the start of this little corner of the web.
as of this day, i'm a little bit overwhelmed with life in general. i actually wanted this to be sort of an escape from real life, or a hobby, but I totally misjudged how much work and time would go into it.
i'm going to try and give my best to make this an interesting place. as of right now, I don't have an email or anything where you could reach me, which is honestly very in line with how i prefer to live my life offline as well...
meaning that i am one of those people that thinks it's overwhelming to always be available to everyone you ever gave your number/mail too.
i think that's all i have to say for now, and enjoy your time in this place xoxo